I was trying to explain myself Tuesday night. Trying to explain that I don't know if I'm ready to grow up to move on to the next adventure of life. And after finally saying I just wasn't, I began, for the first time, to think that maybe I actually am.
Subconsciously, I've known at my core for a while that after marriage life ends and begins. In other words, life as I know it is over, everything will change and I will be divorced from that which I know because I belong to something else. And I didn't think I'd ever be prepared for that.
But just this week, God has been planting little situations in my mind and perhaps nudging me that yes, it will be different and difficult--but. But it does not mean that I will be totally dead. And if it does, then I ought to have died a great while ago when I told Jesus I belonged to him.
And I think that even if it does mean radical change without ever going back, I still want to do it.
In less serious and brooding thoughts, I am actually really enjoying my new work. Yes, that thing which I feared and avoided for so many years I have discovered is really not so bad. Work consumes the better part of each day, but that is a few hours where I am busy and can't think which is sometimes a plus. I am learning a lot, and it is really pretty exciting to earn money and have a reason to wake up and be dressed and out the door in the morning.
So in some small ways grown up life is already happening without my knowing it.
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