Because He Knows Us and Wants Us to Know Him

A young man said, "You know how sometimes you want me to go ahead and then other times you don't?"
"Ya." His college aged girlfriend nods, smiling.
"Well, now is one of those times, but I'm not sure which one."
"Doesn't that suck for you?" She laughs.

Tonight, some friends and I were talking about how sometimes it feels like God just gives us the freedom to choose. We thought that this might be because God desperately desires relationship with us and will give us a choice instead of a directive so that we grow to know his character and and walk by faith.It reminded me of a chapter that I read last week about the ways his character is manifested in some typically feminine traits.

Women are teased for being "fickle" or for not knowing what they want but wanting someone else to know. Now, I think God always knows what his plans and purposes are, but I think sometimes God, like a woman, might want to be so known to the core that we don't have to have him tell us what he wants. Maybe he wants us so much that our choices match his desires because we want to please him.

But God, perhaps in the way that women sometimes want it all, also makes sure that he can never be understood completely. He is mysterious and draws us in.

God so wishes intimacy with his beloved ones that he will, in the words of Hosea 2, "slay" them if that is what will bring us back to him. But he will not leave us flattened. He will "speak tenderly" and call us back to himself with incredible gentleness.

And now we come to the part of the story where I fish for some connection with Pride and Prejudice. Elizabeth is a woman who is willing to hold out for that deeper knowing. If it means risking everything, she'll wait until she knows she is known by a lover and a friend.

I think God is willing to hold out, too because "he delights in steadfast love," according to Micah 7:18

"I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord." Hosea 2:19-20

Worship in Suffering

It would seem that when one blogs for a living, she has fewer and fewer words left over at the end of the day. Hence the absence of a post last week. But here is a quick scribble before I pass out on my pillow.

I've been learning more about profound suffering. In this instance, God is teaching me through others' stories, not my own. Like so many things that are literally upside down in the kingdom of God, it seems that a righteous response to agony is worship. I'm not sure exactly what to make of this other than that God demands our attention. And if it takes baby steps where we learn to focus on his face and transform our thinking with a thankful heart, then he will wreck and tear until it is accomplished.

I'm not sure if this has a great deal to do with beloved old P&P at the moment. But Jane experiences pain. Elizabeth humiliation. As Mr. Bennet aptly pronounces, every girl likes to be tossed in love once and a while. Perhaps it's through this tossing of life that God simplifies our perspective and adjusts our focus and is never beholden to answer our why's, although sometimes he gently chooses to do so anyway.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."--Romans 5:1-5

Getting Ready to Grow Up

I've been thinking. "Ah, a dangerous habit." True, but I do. A lot.

I was trying to explain myself Tuesday night. Trying to explain that I don't know if I'm ready to grow up to move on to the next adventure of life. And after finally saying I just wasn't, I began, for the first time, to think that maybe I actually am.

Subconsciously, I've known at my core for a while that after marriage life ends and begins. In other words, life as I know it is over, everything will change and I will be divorced from that which I know because I belong to something else. And I didn't think I'd ever be prepared for that.

But just this week, God has been planting little situations in my mind and perhaps nudging me that yes, it will be different and difficult--but. But it does not mean that I will be totally dead. And if it does, then I ought to have died a great while ago when I told Jesus I belonged to him.

And I think that even if it does mean radical change without ever going back, I still want to do it.

In less serious and brooding thoughts, I am actually really enjoying my new work. Yes, that thing which I feared and avoided for so many years I have discovered is really not so bad. Work consumes the better part of each day, but that is a few hours where I am busy and can't think which is sometimes a plus. I am learning a lot, and it is really pretty exciting to earn money and have a reason to wake up and be dressed and out the door in the morning.

So in some small ways grown up life is already happening without my knowing it.