3 Steps to the Perfect Proposal: What I learned from Pride and Prejudice about Properly Proposing

Higher powers in the blogging community inform me that blog posts should contain short, sweet paragraphs and boast catchy titles like "9 Ways to Do This" or "226 Steps to the Perfect That." 
             Hmmm—Pride and Prejudice as an instruction manual. I thought to myself, if Elizabeth Bennet is an expert on anything, it has got to be receiving marriage proposals. She's one of the most regularly proposed to literary characters I know. She politely receives three such questions over the course of the novel.
              So if 71 and 1/2 lessons can be found in Pride and Prejudice, then they would definitely include how to unsuccessfully propose. Guys take note.
The proposals under the microscope today include

A) Attempt #1 An unfortunate dining room conversation with Mr. Collins

B) Attempt #2 An upsetting encounter with Mr. Darcy and

C) Attempt #3 An unexpectedly happy ending with Mr. Darcy again. (Third times the charm.)

Lesson 1. Location, Location, Location.

The most important part of any proposal is finding the right setting. Usually, cornering the girl in a dinging room with her family listening outside works best. But if you can’t swing that, try a surprise attack while she’s on vacation at her friend's house. Wait until her friends go out for dinner and she’s home alone. Then, burst into the sitting room and stare at her awkwardly.

If neither of these approaches works, I suppose you might try a walk into Meryton. It eventually worked for Darcy.

Lesson 2. Don’t Let Your Feelings Run Away With You.

When planning a proposal to your beloved, it is important to make certain that she has absolutely no idea what’s coming. While it may prove permissible to gaze longingly at her from across the room, refrain from too much conversation and dance only a couple of times so that she will have no notion whatsoever that you admire her. In fact, it's best if she thinks you abhor her and she can't stand you.

The next important part to remember involves rationalizing the idea of marriage. For Darcy, it is because, as he says,“In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed.” Or you might take a page from the Collins Instructional Manual and briefly state your reasons for marrying which must include that your boss first suggested the merit of the institution. Whatever you do, try to maintain a sense of rationality.

Lesson 3. Properly Insult the Girl and Her Family.

Make sure to toss in a mention of how inferior her family is and what a favor you are doing by marrying her. Mr. Collins carries this out expertly remarking, “No reproach on the subject of your fortune will cross my lips after we are married.”

Darcy sets the ultimate example of a proper insult. He shares that “In declaring myself thus I am fully aware that I am going against the wishes of family, my friends and, I need hardly add, my own better judgment. The relative situation of our families is such that any alliance between us must be regarded as a highly reprehensible connection.”

Girls everywhere will swoon at such heartfelt condescension. After all, there’s nothing more romantic than hearing about how rotten your family and situation in life appear.

            Surely I must be joking—right? Following these proposal instructions will probably only lead to a polite “No thank you” of rejection. When girls moan about chivalry being dead nowadays, perhaps it has actually come a long way.            

            I don't envy Elizabeth and her perpetually having to extricate herself from preposterous proposals, but eventually, she hears the right one. And one good one is all you really need. I'm not really sure where this whole silly discussion is ending up other than, thank goodness Mr. Darcy finally got it right.