School began again
this week. My last first week of the semester before graduation this spring.
Homework already piled around me after the very first class.
Typically, I am the
exact opposite of a procrastinator. So for me, the first few weeks of school prove
more traumatic than midterms or finals. I see the work pile up and gulp at how
much needs doing.
During these times
of relative stress, I tend to react in existential crisis. Overwhelming
situations often cause me to reel back and question the meaning of my very
existence. Why am I doing this? How did I get here? What do I really want?
The problem with
these questions is that they focus on me, myself and I, and such a self-focus
probably only magnifies the problem.
Friday, I flew
(not literally on an airplane, just walked very fast) from an internship
interview to a senior project meeting with my professor. From across the desk
piled in papers, my professor cocked his head at me and asked if everything was
alright. Startled by the question, I rushed past it into my thesis ideas and
questions about the paper.
But the truth
was—and still is—that things don’t seem quite right.
Compiling research
for my Pride and Prejudice project,
I’ve been pouring through linguistic studies, Marxist criticism, psychoanalytical
critiques, feminist analyses, Austen biographies and histories of Great Britain.
Something that keeps recurring is the exercise of choice.
For Jane and
Elizabeth Bennet and the other women of the time period, marriage provided the
most significant choice available. Beyond the selection of a partner, marriage
represented an economic and social class decision. Critics highlight marriage
and courtship as the one significant choice granted to single women of the
time. Of course even this can be argued because economic, family and other
social pressures influenced women, not to mention that their decisions were
dependent on men asking them first. But
in Pride and Prejudice, at least, we do see young women
choosing: Lydia chooses to
elope, Charlotte chooses Mr. Collins, Jane
chooses Bingley, and Elizabeth
eventually decides on Darcy.
A part of this
power of choice manifests itself in the ability not to choose. The grammatical
negation not appears often in the
text. Elizabeth
most frequently practices this form of negation when dismissing unwelcome
marriage proposals. Lizzy reveals emotional intelligence, knowing when to say
no as well as when to say yes.
Choices are hard.
Would you like a large or small? Peach or raspberry? Paper or plastic?
Sometimes I feel paralyzed by the infinity of choices. And as school winds up
once more, careers loom in the near future, relationships grow, and life dynamics
shift, I’m not sure when to say yes, when to say no or when to just hang on. Maybe
the constant changes and decisions are just a part of this season of life. But
I suspect that they are just a part of life.
So after crying
about the who’s and why’s, what’s and how’s, if’s and when’s last night, I woke
up this morning to Ephesians chapter 2 and the comfort that I don’t need to
know everything right now. Verses 8-10 read, “For by grace you have been saved
through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a
result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created
in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should
walk in them.”
Everything worth
worrying about has already been done. And it is ridiculous to act as though any
of my decisions can destroy what God has planned. God values choice, but he does
not abandon us to make decisions alone.
So while some
truly daunting decisions lie close ahead, all I need to choose today is to finish
typing this blog, do more homework and keep breathing.